Moved...

Here

Human beings and their beliefs... and singledom with minority's beliefs.

They say they accept you, they say they try not to convert you, but still they talk of silly habits of your religion, still they preach about Christ.
How stupid they think I am?

Honestly speaking I miss that blessing I had in last spring, as it was never an issue that I believe in what I believe in... he just loved me. And with his love he was real Christian, allow me to say that he was, and is, a better Christian than those who preach about their Lord and saviour. He's a better Christian, or a believer, than those who visit their temples and read their holy scriptures like Devil reads a Bible...
If someone is a man of G-d he is, as in the end religious tolerance seems to be so rare, too rare, quality in human beings...

I admit, after we crashed, I lost my light for a while. I did ask from G-d why it happened, and G-d never answered to me. And I wondered what I had done, what I had done to have to live trough it.
I have come to a conclusion that there is a meaning: he gave me hope for human kind, he changed me for the better. And he is, still, a blessing.

Now, something happened today, something you may deduce from the first lines of this entry. That something made me think about how likely it is to find someone who's not only intellectually, emotionally etc. compatible, but who accepts me. Really accepts me and those silly habits and odd ways to worship...

Or maybe I should just grow that wart on top of my nose, convert and stay alone for the rest of my life. At least I'd avoid all the fuss with religion... but I still can't believe that in 2007 religion can be such an issue to intelligent, civilised individuals.

G-d forbid us.

Ah well...

I fell in love with man who's baptized as Catholic - but isn't very religious based on what I know of him.
I don't know should I be worried, but I'm not a tad worried about that.

And fact is that he loves me as I am. When you find someone like him you don't actually think anymore will religion be issue or not.
At least I don't. And I don't actually think it makes me any worse person than I am. I happen to believe that things happen for a reason.
And this lucky accident... we never meant to fall for each others, but we did. We who have so different backgrounds, we who come from so different parts of the world... we met in last place of cyberspace where you could think of finding someone who complements you.

Maybe I'm delusional, but I don't believe in coincidences.

Family issues

I'll write an open letter to my family. I've to. I want to make them understand what I'm doing and why I'm doing it.

At this moment I don't get any support from them, or that's how it feels like. And what makes it worse: it seems to me that my parents have some antisemitic tendencies...

I'm just so tired of their ignorance and unwillingness to ask or look for information.

Soul - some thoughts

We, human kind, are odd in our ways of living.

G-d gives us ability to such a beauty, such purity, genuinity that our little mortal minds can't even understand it.
We get such a great gift... and what majority does with it? They ruin their gift, choose that easier way just because they want to be "normal".
I can't say that I don't understand their solution. I do understand it. Anyway we have been given this thing called free will (and therefore I shouldn't whine about this) and we all just act according to that.

I've never been worried about life after death, and still I can say I've lived relatively good life, treated my fellow humans like I've wanted them to treat me.
In fact we had this "joke" in my family that we, non-religious bunch, seem to have higher morals than most people who claim that they live according to high morals.
Of course it's in eye of the beholder. According to some my life is example of immorality.

Anyway, what I ment to say was... we born to be good. We born pure. We get free will... and what we do with it?
Act like ******s towards our fellow humans, hurt everyone who disagree with us, hurt others before they can hurt us and then we run as fast as we can so we don't need to live with the consequences.

Just to be "normal" we ruin greatest gift we'll ever get.

And do you knwo what is the funny part in this? I've always thought like this. Even when I was atheist. I've always loved aspect of soul.

What I really want from my life?

It's an interesting question as I'm not sure.

Ok, in fact I do know what I want, but problem is that I have to choose - though at this phase of my life I have to figure out what is what I want. What I really want. Just not to hurt myself, or anyone else in the future.

I know what I want. I know what I can take and what I can do. But I don't know am I ready to pay price it may take.
Even I know I have to. Being happy with your life, being contented takes it's toll, no matter how much I dislike it.

And I know that in the end I want following things:

• become what I really am
• convert to religion which has felt good (which has felt right) many years
• to learn
• to have a Jewish family, and Jewish children, and teach them beauty of it all
• to be contented
• to be loved as myself
• have a partner who accepts my religion... no, to have a partner who shares my religion

...and never regret.

This may mean (I don't want to say "It'll mean." even I know it might be so, and it's not that improbable in the end...) that I have to forget my stupid images of love which conquers all and accept that in the end I just can't be completely happy with a goy.

Sounds harsh, I know, but fact is this:

• I don't want to force anyone to live against their religious views (or lack of them) because it'd be strictly against my morals.
• I don't want to live life without my G-d, without my religion.
• I don't want to wonder am I religiously intolerant if I want to celebrate Shabbat and other holy days - because as I see it: in family everyone celebrates and rejoices at the same time. Family shares.

Is it a family if we don't share our love? Is it a family if I can't be me? Is it a family if my partner can't be him?

No, it's not.

There's also one thing I know: I want to be buried in a Jewish cematary when I die. I'm still young, but that's important to me. And I want to be buried like a Jew, because I've never confronted as much respect towards dead as Judaism has.

I want to have that beauty in my life. It just hurts me so much to know that I have to make really big decisions because of it.

Religion or love? Religion and love?

I've been thinking about this about 1½ years. In my past it was not an issue as I was married with a man who shared my religious views. (In fact he's the one to thank when it comes finding religion which suits for me.) It became an issue after we broke up with him.

And now I'm stading in crossing of my life caused by the love of my life and his guest to find himself (before doing anything stupid). He wanted time and space, I got it also and I begun to really think about things....
I lived in image that I can live happily with someone who doesn't share my religious views, but deep inside of me I was deeply worried. And now I have admitted to it myself.

I don't know how much I can yield as if I live according to my religious views it'll show in my daily life and it raises few questions:

• Could he respect my way of life in the end?
• Were there someone who'd think that my need to live according to my religion is forcing him to do something, as I'd like my partner respect my religion so much that he could for example celebrate shabbath with me - but I also know him and I'm not sure how he'd feel about it as he has his opinions.
• And what about rest of the religious holidays?
• Cimrcumsision? As my kids will be Jewish when they born from a Jewish mother.
• Jewish school?
• Etc.

I know I can't force my kids to be something I am or believe in same things I believe in, but I also know that if I live according to my beliefs and according what I feel is right it'll show and that'll affect to my kids no matter does he like it or not.

And then... I don't want to force him live life which gives pressure for him. In the end I love him too much to cause pain to him.

...Now I understand why most religions do not support interfaith marriages. It gets difficult to say it nicely.

The saga begins, part 2

When I went to school my parents let me choose do I take ethics or Christianity lessons. I took ethics, of course - it was a habit in our family, my elder siblings had taken ethics too. And I really didn't got why should anyone study something called "religion" as that term was completely strange to me - in mature age of seven.

Even laws state that we have freedom of belief it is not so to us who are not Christians. I could give piles of examples how it was to be non-religious kid in school where most teachers were Christians, and very narrow-minded ones even.
Not to mention what kind of freak I seemed to be most people when they found out that I don't belong to any congregation.

The saga begins, part I; early childhood.

I think that I have to tell about my childhood family and my upbringing, and my family's history etc. to give some base to understand my views.
I happen to believe that our upbringing affects in a way or another to us, no matter how much we want to deny it.

I've born into a non-religious family. Both of my parents had been members of evanchelic lutheran church in their childhood.
In my mom's case her father separated from it because of few personal disagreements between him and their local pastor. And as far as I know, my father left church because of my mom. I'm not sure though, as I can't remember. And I don't think that it is significant anyway.

We celebrated Easter, and Yule (Not "Christmas", as it's Christian holiday) as others did, our reasons just were secular.
For me Easter was always celebration of spring, and Yule was celebration of coming light, as it's timing is what it is. (I have to admit that I was in school when I realized that for example Yule really is religious holiday to some - and in this case, to majority in this country.)

Religion never played any part in our lives. And I have to say, that it was a happy childhood in that way compared to those experiences of Christian people I've heard of...

In fact I've prayed (more like talked with God, that is same thing I do nowadays) when I was a kid. My problem just was, not my non-religious family, but that image of God I had got from surrounding world. World of evanchelic lutherans. (I'll tell more about how Christianity clashes with my beliefs, and why it was never an option, but back to business...) My God was wrong to them as I saw it. My views of God were so different from the beginning that I just kep on wondering, and denied God's existence.

And now for something completely different.

..originally I created this blog just to be able to comment to one person's blog, but I found usage to this.

My primary blog is more or less about love and interpersonal relationships.
And sooner or later there seem to come day when I may need another blog. This is it.

This will be blog about converting. "Pagan's" long way trough denying gods to finding G-d, and finding that religion which I agree with.

And that was the easy part. I'm only in the beginning of my journey, as my conversion will take years.

When ever I'm able to begin it.