What I really want from my life?

It's an interesting question as I'm not sure.

Ok, in fact I do know what I want, but problem is that I have to choose - though at this phase of my life I have to figure out what is what I want. What I really want. Just not to hurt myself, or anyone else in the future.

I know what I want. I know what I can take and what I can do. But I don't know am I ready to pay price it may take.
Even I know I have to. Being happy with your life, being contented takes it's toll, no matter how much I dislike it.

And I know that in the end I want following things:

• become what I really am
• convert to religion which has felt good (which has felt right) many years
• to learn
• to have a Jewish family, and Jewish children, and teach them beauty of it all
• to be contented
• to be loved as myself
• have a partner who accepts my religion... no, to have a partner who shares my religion

...and never regret.

This may mean (I don't want to say "It'll mean." even I know it might be so, and it's not that improbable in the end...) that I have to forget my stupid images of love which conquers all and accept that in the end I just can't be completely happy with a goy.

Sounds harsh, I know, but fact is this:

• I don't want to force anyone to live against their religious views (or lack of them) because it'd be strictly against my morals.
• I don't want to live life without my G-d, without my religion.
• I don't want to wonder am I religiously intolerant if I want to celebrate Shabbat and other holy days - because as I see it: in family everyone celebrates and rejoices at the same time. Family shares.

Is it a family if we don't share our love? Is it a family if I can't be me? Is it a family if my partner can't be him?

No, it's not.

There's also one thing I know: I want to be buried in a Jewish cematary when I die. I'm still young, but that's important to me. And I want to be buried like a Jew, because I've never confronted as much respect towards dead as Judaism has.

I want to have that beauty in my life. It just hurts me so much to know that I have to make really big decisions because of it.